Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Stop Teasing! Let the Inhumans Get Some! And Live Happily Ever After!


Sometimes an author runs into some old writing that makes them laugh. Back in the day, there was a website called ThemeStream, and it allowed authors to post their stories. The more reads that a post got, the more money the author acquired...but then the website went under.

Here's one of my postings on the website back in 2001. Of course, decades later, none of this applies anymore and my wishes have been met, but reading my frustration at that time was really funny. Enjoy!


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Stop Teasing!  Let the Inhumans Get Some! And Live Happily Ever After!

There he is!  The handsome vampire.  He’s leaning over a beautiful, exotic woman.  They’re kissing, they’re groping, she moans, he does too, the scene is tantalizing.  Then . . . his three-inch fangs appear and . . . it’s over.

What a let down!  Ok, calm yourself.  Let’s try again.  Next scene . . .

Species (1995)
She’s there, and he’s there.  Their eyes link.  They’re both willing.  The breathing increases.  They come together in a heated embrace, they’re kissing, they’re groping, she moans, and he does too.  Then . . . she turns into some hideous alien and kills him.

Aarrrrrrrgggghhhhh!  Stop the teasing!!

Why can’t the alien, the vampire, the supernatural, the whatever, get some and have a “happily ever after?”  If it isn’t one thing, it’s another.  Let’s go down the list.

1) Vampires:  We know, usually they don’t have sex and if they do, they’ve turned into some kind of big dog or vapor rub, and they still kill their partner since they get sexual intimacy confused with food.  So, forget about the “happily ever after”, since they would burn up during the sunset anyway . . . and they get killed at the end of the movie.

2) Werewolves:  Well, they get some only when they’re human and if they do have sex during their transformation, they either eat their partner or use them as a scratching post.  They get killed at the end too.

The Entity (1982)
3) Mummies: Hmmmm, they’re just old and decaying and it would probably fall off if they tried.  But, those who can get some usually tie their partner down on some altar to be sacrificed so that they could bring back their “real” true love that their victim reminds them of.  Oh yeah, they re-die at the end too.

4) Ghosts/Entities:  Despite the fact that you can’t see them (which doesn’t do much for the sex scene), they usually can’t touch anything either.  And if they can touch, they’re too angry to think about sex anyway.  Instead, they want to throw things around or do some vengeance thing.  Most times they’re simply demonic:  they just want to go out and kill people.  Yet, in those rare cases that they do have sex, their partner is more than likely unwilling and ends up in the hospital after the encounter, trying to get some scientists to put the thing in a block of ice.

The Fly (1986)

5)  Mutants:  Oh, now these guys do get their girl.  But it’s mostly rape and the female ends up pregnant and dies from an exploding uterus (Except for the woman who had great sex with her mutant partner--though human-looking at the time—but she had to kill the insane thing.  Now, she did have a natural childbirth . . . then she died of fright looking at the larva thing squirming in the doctor’s hand.  The poor woman died unnecessarily since she didn’t wait for the doctors to open the thing up to see that it did look human . . ..  But, then the child turned into a fly years later, then turned human again, so she missed out on his wonderful development).

Starman (1984)
Starcrossed (1985)
6)  Aliens:  Just like the Mutants.  Female partners still die from an exploding uterus, rather they’re willing or not.  However, these guys come very close to a “happily ever after”.   They’re usually disguised as humans (which is a cop-out with special effects, but that’s another story), so the sex scene are just like R-rated movies, human with human basically, but still wonderful sex.  Then . . . the alien either has to fly off, returning to his planet because the government is harassing him, or she needs to go home teach her fellow aliens what she learned from Earth to save her planet from enslavement, or he has limited time that he can survive on Earth, thus, leaving his broken hearted lover stranded behind (since she either can’t survive on his planet or it’s to dangerous for her to come along), never to see her again.

Stop the teasing!!


Toxic Avenger (1984)
I want some action!  I want some start-to-finish sex with no death or exploding fetuses!  I want a “happily ever after” ending, and I don’t want it to be a cult or B-rated movie that’s absolutely silly.  Yeah, you’ve seen him.  Him and his voluptuous, blind girlfriend.  Sure, the toxic guy gets the girl, has a “happily ever after,” sort of, and yes he does get some; but the scenes are so silly, you can’t possibly be aroused.  And let’s not forget the slapstick movies where the vampire does get the girl, and lives, but the guy isn’t at all attractive.  He’s either too old, too ridiculous to be taken serious, or Adam Ant.
Adam Ant (1993)


The only inhuman guy that actually got the girl was that purple hair alien who came down with his yellow and red goofy friends to get laid by some Earth chicks.  After getting a whole body shave and skin-dyed, he was one handsome human-looking hunk.  And the sex scene . . . well, it wasn’t memorable.  But then again, this was a slapstick/comedy movie and I want R-rated!!
Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

So, if any of you out there who’s reading this can suggest a good R-Rated, Sci-fi flick with supernatural characters who: have willing partners, gives a great alien and human sensual sex scene (not alien-that-looks-like-human with human), have a wonderful romantic plot and has a “happily ever after,” I would really like to see one.  Until then, I guess I’ll have to stick with the flicks that thinks it’s too taboo to have erotic relationships on the big scene with the inhuman; or I'll just settle down with an unconstrained, sci-fi author’s book and use my imagination.

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LOL!  Well, as I've stated, decades later, my wishes have been answered. I got TV series like True Blood, Game of Thrones, and Being Human to satisfy my appetite. 

Wow... how time changes.



Until Next Time! 






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