Saturday, December 29, 2012

Facebook Love & Affairs...

You ever heard of Emotional Affairs?

Flutter. Flutter. Flutter.

How we feel the excitement in the air and our blood boiling with lustful dreams when we reconnect with that old flame.  It's an opportunity to "get things right this time around"; it's fate which gives us a "second chance". Those flashing warnings of "remember, you broke up for a reason" or those "what happened in the past, stays in the past," all goes out the door.

And it should!!   ...Sometimes...

Why not take that opportunity, given a chance, if you have it now. Why not?!

I say, GO FOR IT .... if you are both already available, that is.

Be careful of that dream catcher when you are already in a dedicated relationship. That love, or lustful, excitement for that OTHER PERSON would only last for so long (two years most times) when you do GO FOR IT. 

And when it's just an "online thing" it isn't, IS NOT, "just innocent" when you're already in a relationship.  You could rationalize all you want that, you're NOT doing that physical connection, or "horizontal dance," as some call it....  You're just chatting. ONLY chatting. You're just texting. You're just emailing. You're just doing it online.  No harm done.

Because in the beginning, you're really just curious and you're really JUST FRIENDS.

There's a new type of an affair in town, people, and it's rapidly spreading. It's called
Emotional Affair, and it's just as harmful, if not more so, as a physical one.
What's so powerful about it is that it all takes place in the mind, and the mind can be a
powerful place to make things come true, which included the negatives. Once the idea is in your mind, it's like an addiction, and you can't get over it; you can't get under it; and you can't get around it.

You're stuck!

You can't wait until that next instant message, to see their availability online, to smile, to laugh, to desire, to love. You crave for it. You hunger for it. You can't control your thoughts, your mind, because you're always thinking of the next time you will be able to make that connection again.

It's an UPPER! It's a DRUG!! There's someone out there who thinks you're wonderful, who understands you, who desires you like no one else. It feels like the perfect way to fulfill your desires without the actual guilt of doing the "actual act". And, in most cases, it feels like True Love.

And the problems in your current relationship SWELL.

You're too busy concentrating on the good feelings of that online connection, that you don't want to deal with the negative ones any more; the ones that bring you down, your current relationship. You just want to feel what LIFTS YOU UP.

And even when people say, and even when you know, that EVERYONE, including that online digital connection you feel so strongly for, has ISSUES, you just can't seem to see it: their faults, their negatives, their issues.... Because it just feels too good.

What has happened is that your love tank in your current relationship has run dry. It's
completely empty. And you can't find a way to fill it up again except with this digital love or
lust.

The love tank. I learned about that in that book The 5 Love Languages I blogged about previously. It's the perfect definition to explain what happens in relationships that fall under this new wave of affairs: The Emotional Affair. It's just so easy to concentrate on the good and positive of that digital affair than to deal with the negatives in the real and current relationship.

But you can only run from your problems for so long. And jumping into another relationship, no matter how great it appears to be, would only bring about other issues that you just didn't see when you were in that drunk emotional state.

Yeah. You are drunk. Drunk! Emotionally Drunk. Inebriated by that desire, or love, and you can't see straight, or see the most common sense issues, with that new focus in your life. You have no sensible logic or reason, and your mental faculties are impaired.

It's time to take that 12-Step program to get over that emotional-addicting behavior. And I'm
not saying this will repair or make things work with the current one, but it should be done so
that you would have a much clearer mind, instead of the the emotionally drunk way of thinking, when making that decision to go into that other relationship. You would also have a clear conscience that you made the right decision, rather that is to leave your current relationship or go into the next.

You just might find out, in most cases, you won't want either person: your current nor your
digital one, because neither is right for you.

Release the fear and accept the dream.

There's a reason why you're emotionally addicted, because there's a dream that you want, and currently you don't have it. You must first be sure to know what that dream is, and with who.

The steps below could start you off on making your dream come true by detaching yourself from the addiction and move forward to having a sober mind on where you heart should be.....

Step 1: Be honest with yourself: Admit that you are crazy about this person, which is usually quite easy for some, but some don't openly admit it at all. They just keep denying it. So, be truthful.

Step 2: No you CAN NOT BE FRIENDS!!!: This person wasn't a friend before and isn't now. This person was in your soul and in your heart. Be truthful to yourself as in Step 1. You can't be a friend with this person. Period. And you MUST tell yourself that you can't be friends. It will just be too painful, and much too tempting, to try to "turn back the clock". The "friend cage" is not where you want to be, because eventually the charade will come undone, and you're unlocking the door of the cage. What will pour in would be pain and guilt. Don't even attempt to do the "friend game". You must let go completely.

Step 3: Write a list: People say this, but I always thought it was stupid. I already know what the problems are and what I want, why do I have to write them down? Admittedly, you really have to just try it out to see how it helps. Acknowledge the reasons why you're unhappy in your current relationship. Write down a list. Write it! Write it! Do it! Do it! Yes, do it! Write the list. What you'll find is that the list will help you focus and put things in perspective. A list of what you don't like and what you do like, will make things quite clear and real. It makes it so it's not really just in your head. Putting the list down on paper (or digital word process or
spreadsheet) and looking at it again, makes it truthful to yourself. You might find yourself
adding more and more once you get started. The list help to accept what you want and what you don't want and provides a clear understanding for yourself.

Step 4: Remove all connections with your love/desire:  Yeah. This is a hard one. Because you'll be scrambling around trying to find that information again when you want to get back in touch with that person. But, you can't keep focus with something sitting on your stomach. I mean literally. Imagine someone sitting on your stomach. They aren't going anywhere. They only way to get them off of you is to move them out your way. Push up hard and kick them out. Take baby-steps and just BLOCK them from Facebook, remove them from your chat list, so you won't see what they're doing and know when they're logged in. Delete all the history and remove/block from them from your cellular phone. All of these lines to your love/desire, all of these things are TORTURE DEVICES. Removing them from all digital devices will make you, force you, to take steps where you start concentrating on other things besides your emotional addiction.

Step 5: Don't be a ghost:  This goes along with step 4. That person you are connected with deserves to know what you're doing and why you're not communicating anymore. Be honest. Explain the confusion and the pain and that you need to figure things out. How would you like it if you keep calling, texting, IMming someone, and they just completely ignore you? It doesn't feel good. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Speak YOUR truth and then they will be forced to understand it. It might not go over very well, and that's why most people avoid doing it, but it's feels better in your own soul and your own being to be true and righteous. And, along with step 2, be honest to state that you CANNOT BE FRIENDS!

Step 6: Mourn your loss: You just let go of something connected to your heart, and it hurts like HELL. Don't deny that you have love or desire for this person (step 1), because it just makes things hurt worse when you find out that THEY'VE moved on. Accept that you love them, and mourn that they are gone now. You're grieving on "what could have been" not "what is". You're mourning your current circumstances of where you are NOW, and you don't want to be there. You want to have a clean and positive relationship that has a free and non constricting heart and love. Addiction is not part of love.

Step 7: Do What you Don't want to do: The current relationship that you are in, that's not your digital one, is broken and you should try to repair it even when you don't want to. Yeah. Do the steps of repairing it even when you're heart isn't in it. It feels fake and forced, because the feelings aren't there, it's with the other person, but doing something repeatedly makes it a habit, makes it become real. Sit down and have a chat of truthful things. If this can't happen, then it's time to take a break BUT PLAN A DATE WHEN TO COME BACK TOGETHER. It's important to have a break to bring back what's important in one's life.  Separation is a GOOD THING when used to heal a relationship. But you must plan to get back together. It's not a time to go have fun with someone else. This is alone time only. And if that current relationship isn't working for you, it's time to do step 4 - 6 with that person too. If children are involved, of course you can't break all connections, but make the focus on the children ONLY, and make the move to your new life which is NOT in a relationship. A relationship must come much later when you're all healed.

Step 8: Do stuff and Get Busy: It's the Do Today what you will put off tomorrow. There's some things that you had wanted to do and just felt you didn't have the time or money to do it. Start making those baby steps to DOING IT. The sense of accomplishing something will slowly fill you up inside where you were empty. This is something for yourself and NOT some external factor, addicting, emotional drugged relationship, that you felt would "save you". It's time to start getting busy for YOURSELF!

Step 9: Get away: If you can't afford to go on a trip, or check into a hotel, then take a walk around the neighborhood.  It's the physical removal that will help mentally remove your need for that person.

Step 10: Forgive yourself: Be honest. You've done some mean things. You were a part of having a relationship that was NOT working, rather you chose that person wrongly, or it was right "at the time", or you did something that cause them to distrust you and treat you differently, or for whatever reason...You MUST take your part of the blame to heal. Admit your wrong doings and then forgive yourself for doing them.

Step 11: Get some sponsors: Yep. Sponsors. Those who will support you while you're making your transition and self-change. You don't need the ones who will be negative towards you and your decisions, but one who will be supportive. That's what sponsors do. You'll need the support. You can't do it alone. You need POSITIVE support (I emphasize POSITIVE) from friends and family. It's not the Human Way to be alone. So start making a schedule when to hang out and talk on the phone and help paint their house.  You might not even want to do ANY of these things, but keeping busy and doing for someone outside yourself, helps decrease your need for that love or desire, slowly but surely, and bit-by-bit. And anytime you feel like falling off the wagon and reconnecting to that love/desire, you call your sponsor to walk you through the reasons why you need to stay on track.

Step 12: Believe in yourself: Everything you dream can exist, and it can only exist through achievement and success. This goes along with Step 8, where if you achieve something, you've completed it, and you feel successful. You can't start believing and loving yourself if you feel put-down all the time, rejected or that you always "f&$K stuff up"!!  Forging a path of things you CAN DO, is a path of loving yourself. And to love yourself will empower yourself and make your dreams come to you.

And with these steps, steps to healing yourself from addiction and past judgments, and doing these steps without going out to LOOK for your heart desire, everything that you want and dream will come to you!

I wish you the best of luck!

Until Next Time!

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